


A Little Unsteady

by I_am_lampy



Series: Open Your Eyes [8]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, John is a Mess, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 11:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_lampy/pseuds/I_am_lampy
Summary: "Let's start with kissing," Gerald says. "Is that okay?"John nods his head."Close your eyes. I think it will be easier for you not to panic if your eyes are closed."





	A Little Unsteady

 

* * *

> **Hold, hold on, hold on to me because I'm a little unsteady.**
> 
> **A little unsteady**
> 
> "Unsteady" X Ambassadors

* * *

 

_Other than what happened with Gerald, John's never been with a man. Every weekend he goes to a different pub down in Soho in the hope of getting picked up. He never tries to pick anyone up himself. He's too insecure and unsure and afraid. He doesn’t want to make a fool of himself._

_When men do try to pick him up, though, he says no. He can't stand the thought of being touched by any of them. He doesn't touch himself either, not since that first day in Sherlock's bed._

_Every night he drinks. Every night he pulls the gun case out of the bottom drawer and unlocks it and pulls out his gun and asks himself if he's ready to die. Every night he says no._

_Six weeks after Sherlock falls, John finds himself standing on the corner of the street Gerald lives on. He walks by Gerald's building but he doesn’t stop outside the door. He walks by again. He stops outside the door._

_He's confused about why he's standing there. John is a man used to being in control – of his emotions, of his body, of other people. Even in situations where the outcome is impossible to predict – when he was in Afghanistan or when he was in a dangerous situation on a case with Sherlock, he was tightly controlled, all the excess bled away._

_So he has no idea why he's standing outside the flat of a professional dominant, and John_ always _knows why he's doing something. He doesn’t second guess himself. He's decisive and when he makes a decision he follows through._

_He goes back to his bedsit and drinks until he’s numb and then he drinks some more. He doesn't have a shift at the clinic tomorrow. He never drinks more than two glasses of Scotch when he's on the rotation for the next day and he doesn’t drink at all when he's on call. His responsibility as a doctor, at least, is still sacred._

_Two weeks later he finds himself walking past Gerald's building again. This time he walks up to the door but when he brings his fist up to knock, he finds he can't. It's back to the bedsit with him._

_He realizes that it’s the days he doesn't have a shift and isn't on call that he has the most temptation to show up at Gerald’s. He would take on a fifth rotation at work except that would cut into his drinking time._

_Three months after Sherlock's death, John finds himself on Gerald's doorstep after almost two weeks of avoiding the temptation. It's almost six in the evening. He doesn't raise his hand to knock. He doesn't ring the doorbell. He stares at the buttery yellow front door and wonders idly how Gerald keeps it so clean._

_Suddenly, the door opens and John falters back two steps. Gerald steps out of his flat and shuts the door. He's smiling like he looks genuinely happy to see John and John wonders why he ever thought Gerald looks like Moriarty. Gerald has dark hair and eyes, pale skin and delicate features but his eyes are a warm brown and his face is serene. Confident without being arrogant. He's wearing cargo trousers that hang a little loose on his hips and a short sleeve black shirt. The top two buttons are undone. His feet are bare. He looks relaxed, casual. Sexy._

_“Would you like to come in?” Gerald asks. “I've just made some pasta. Have you eaten?"_

_John just stares. He wants very badly to kiss Gerald but at the same time the idea disgusts him. The only man he's ever wanted was Sherlock and Sherlock was just – he was special. Even after he recognized what he felt for Sherlock was romantic love and sexual attraction, John still thought of himself as straight. He doesn’t want to be gay. It doesn't fit with his idea of who he is and part of that is the dream of having a family one day – a wife and children._

_Gerald has opened the door and is holding his hand out. John takes it without having made any conscious decision to do so._

_In the small dining room to the right of the front door, Gerald asks him if he wants a glass of wine and John says yes a little too eagerly. Gerald looks at him, his eyes narrowed but doesn't ask any questions. He hands John the glass and tells him to sit at the table. He goes into the kitchen and brings out two plates of pasta with Alfredo sauce and chicken. There's a salad, too._

_While they eat, Gerald draws John out of himself. He has a skill for asking the questions that John wants to answer and avoiding the ones he doesn't. He asks questions about Afghanistan that aren't too personal. When John says he was invalided out, Gerald doesn't pry. They talk about John's work as a doctor and what made him want to become one. Gerald tells a few stories about his worst clients and John laughs for the first time in three months._

_When they're done eating, Gerald takes all the dishes to the kitchen while John hovers. He pours them each another glass of wine, emptying the bottle. He gives John an equal amount and smiles knowingly at him as he pours. Gerald smiles a lot and John likes that. Actually, he likes lots of things about Gerald. He's not pushy. He's so relaxed that it's hard to be wound up around him. John knows he's attracted to Gerald, too._

_Gerald leads John into the living room. They sit in the same chairs as before and sip their wine._

_"Have you ever been with a man before?" Gerald asks, out of the blue._

_His face is curious but not judging. Still, John blushes furiously, heat bruising his skin uncomfortably._

_"No, except for – you know," John says, gesturing between the two of them._

_"Have you considered it?" Gerald asks._

_John searches Gerald's face for any sign that Gerald is making fun of him but sees nothing except curiosity and mild arousal._

_John pulls his lips in over his teeth before answering. He ducks his head once as he answers. "Yeah."_

_Gerald puts his elbow on the arm of his chair and leans his head against two fingers. It's such a relaxed pose. He's examining John but not in a way that makes John uncomfortable. In fact, John feels flattered to have the attention of such an attractive man._

_"Are you concerned you might be gay?"_

_The way Gerald asks the question – his use of the word 'concerned' – strikes deep in John's psyche. There's a reason John keeps showing up here. Several, actually, if he's honest with himself._

_"I don't know if 'concerned' is the word I'd use," John says. Talking to Gerald is easier than talking to Ella was._

_"You don't want to be gay," Gerald says. It's not a question._

_"I don't want to be – " John says and then stops. "I don't want to find out something so important about myself so late in my life."_

_"Why is that?"_

_"Because it makes me feel like my whole life up to now is a lie."_

_John's throat feels thick and his face is hot. He's swallowing back tears._

_"It's not uncommon for a man your age to realize he's gay after a lifetime of heterosexuality. It's coded into our social makeup to be heterosexual. It doesn't make your life a lie."_

_John shrugs. He's still trying to fight back tears and doesn't want this generous and kind man to see him cry because he knows that Gerald will try to comfort him and he can't stand the thought of being comforted by anyone. He's always in control of himself. That is a basic tenet of John Watson's psychological makeup – control._

_"What was it that made you question your sexuality?"_

_John shrugs again. His lips quiver. He's got to get out of here._

_"Don't go yet," Gerald says before John even starts to get up. Gerald gets up instead. "I would like for you to stay. I'm going to go clean up the kitchen. If you're still here when I come back, I would like to talk about how I think I can help you. Okay?"_

_John nods his head. Gerald gets up and goes to the kitchen and soon John hears music and running water. Gerald sings along to the radio and John smiles._

_John is still there when Gerald comes back. He smiles at John when he walks into the room and sits down. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees._

_"I think I can help you, John," he says and John is grateful that Gerald isn't dancing around the topic. "I think you've lost someone close to you – a man. You feel guilty for his death. You want to be punished for it. He's the reason you questioned your sexuality, you were attracted to him or fell in love with him. You want to be punished for that, too – for the possibility that you're gay."_

_"I love having sex with women," John says, rising to defend himself._

_"I'm sure you do," Gerald says, smiling wryly. "But it's not a woman you fell in love with, is it?"_

_John covers his face with both hands. Gerald is no Sherlock Holmes but his ability to read John is disturbing. John doesn't want his feelings broadcast. That's another element of his control lost._

_He feels Gerald approach. Feels when he kneels at John's feet. Gerald doesn't touch him, though._

_"You're a very tightly controlled man, aren't you, John?" Gerald asks softly. "You're carrying an enormous burden of grief and there's been nobody to share it with. I would like you to share it with me, if you can. Do you think you can?"_

_John shakes his head wildly, the tears already leaking out of his eyes no matter how tightly he's squeezed them shut._

_"John," Gerald whispers and lays his hand lightly on John's knee. "I read psychology at Oxford. I worked for a while as a therapist. It's what makes me a good dom – being able to read people and help them realize what they want._

_"In my work as a traditional therapist, I discovered a niche of people – men and women – for whom regular therapy wasn't working. Like you, they were all very controlled people as well as very successful and accomplished. They all used drugs or alcohol or sex to cope with the stress that trying to maintain such tight control caused them, but that only created more problems for them._

_"Some of those people were my earliest clients. Giving up control to someone completely the way that my clients do with me requires a deep level of trust and most people think you can't trust someone until you've known them a long time. That's a misconception. There are plenty of studies on trust and they all show humans are adept at determining someone's trustworthiness within minutes of meeting them. There's all kinds of subtle clues we automatically look for and we don't even know we're doing it._

_"The opposite is also true. We're hardwired to read the same clues and tell if someone is_ not _trustworthy. The problem most people have is they don't listen when their brain tells them someone is or isn't trustworthy. They think it's an intellectual process that happens over time and it's true that trust deepens with time, but most people you've met who you trust were people you trusted within minutes of meeting them._

_"I think you trust me. I think you know that I can help you with your grief. I know I can help you if you'll let me and I want to help you because I believe if you don't get help that you will become suicidal."_

_John just sits in the chair, frozen, his hands still covering his face, the tears still squeezing past his eyes. He doesn't trust himself to speak._

_"The decision, of course, is entirely yours. If we go upstairs to the playroom, you'll set the parameters beforehand, just like you did the first time you were here. We don't have to do anything sexual although I'll be honest with you – I would very much like to have sex with you. I'm very attracted to you and I'm sorry I scared you the first time you were here. I would be honored to help you explore your sexuality, even if you decide it's not for you. Everything is entirely up to you.”_

_Gerald manages to be both confident and soothing at the same time. He doesn't lose any of his authority yet John never feels condescended to. John feels torn. He wants to say yes, desperately, but he's ashamed to want it._

_"A few minutes," John manages to choke out. "Give me a few minutes."_

_"I'll be in the kitchen," Gerald says. "You know where the bathroom is if you'd like to clean up a bit."_

_Just like that he stands up and walks away, giving John the room he needs to breathe. John tries to tell himself this is insane but that's the thing – it feels like the sanest thing John has done since he watched Sherlock fall from St. Bart’s._

_The decision made, he walks up to the bathroom first, uses the loo, washes his hands, splashes cold water on his face. He stands outside the bathroom door for a minute and then walks downstairs and into the kitchen._

_Gerald's lips quirk into a half-smile when John walks into the kitchen. It's not a triumphant smile or an I-told-you-so smile. It's just a glad-you're-still-here smile._

_"Let's start with kissing," Gerald says. "Is that okay?"_

_John nods his head._

_"Close your eyes. I think it will be easier for you not to panic if your eyes are closed."_

_John closes his eyes but he doesn't need them to be open to know when Gerald is near him. John's hands grip the counter behind him tightly – tight enough that his finger joints ache. Gerald's hand touches his cheek and John flinches but then stills. Gerald's lips land lightly on John's but they don't move. He pulls back after a few seconds but doesn't go far because John can feel his breath on his lips._

_Gerald kisses him again, another press of his lips, an invitation. Gerald's hand is still on John's cheek, and now his thumb is stroking John's cheekbone. Gerald pulls away again._

_"Do you want me to stop?" Gerald asks softly._

_John shakes his head. He feels like his power of speech has disappeared, not because he's overcome with fear or desire, but because talking requires thinking and John doesn't want to think._

_This time when Gerald presses his lips against John's, John kisses him back, their lips brushing together, mouths slightly open. It's when the wetness inside Gerald's upper lip catches against John's lower one that John reaches up a hand to slide around the nape of Gerald's neck to pull him closer. Desire curls languidly in John's gut, coming awake after months of suppression._

_His breath starts coming faster out of his nose and he runs his tongue along Gerald's upper lip, just barely inside of it. The quietest sound of pleasure escapes Gerald, dying in his throat but it's like an electric charge to John. He tilts his head and opens his mouth wider, tongue swirling around Gerald's. He threads his fingers through Gerald's hair and pulls him even closer. Now their bodies are pressed together._

_One of Gerald's hands is in John's hair and the other is between John's shoulder blades, holding John's body against him. When they're breathing hard, hips pressing against hips, the hard edge of the counter bruising John's waist, Gerald pulls back. John's lips seek his for a few seconds before he falls back, trying to get his breath under control._

_"Let's stop there for now," Gerald says._

_"Kissing," John says and reaches for Gerald._

_"What?" Gerald asks pulling out of John's reach. He's smiling but his brows are drawn together._

_"I want to keep kissing you," John says, blushing._

_"You're extremely hard to resist when you blush," Gerald murmurs. "More kissing, then. Follow me."_

_Through the kitchen there's a door that leads into a small sitting room. John can tell right away that this room is the heart of Gerald's home. There are bookshelves against every available wall and it's cluttered. There's a window directly across from the door that looks out onto a small back garden. There's an armchair in the corner with a floor lamp that hangs over the chair; it’s the perfect spot for reading. There's a small sofa that faces an armoire which is opened to show a small TV._

_Gerald sits down on the sofa and puts his elbow on the armrest, propping his head against it with two fingers. He's so relaxed and unselfconscious that he makes John feel comfortable, too, although John can still feel his face heating up as Gerald watches him sit down. They're on opposite ends of the sofa._

_"It's your show," Gerald says and raises both of his eyebrows with a teasing smile._

_John starts to lean in but pauses. His entire body is pulled taut. His heart is pounding against his ribcage and his hands are damp._

_"Come closer," Gerald says softly._

_John can hear the arousal in his voice and it makes it easier to move next to Gerald so that there's only a few inches of space between them. Gerald's arm is along the back of the sofa behind John's head and as soon as John sits down, he curls his hand against the nape of John's neck and uses it to pull John towards him._

_This time the kiss picks up where it left off in the kitchen. There's no gentle press of lips on lips. It's hot but it's still safely in the kissing zone until Gerald pulls away and presses wet kisses along John's jaw. When his teeth track back over John's jaw, John can't completely stop the rough exhale that leaves his lungs._

_Gerald pulls back and looks at him, his fingers running through the short hair along John's neck and over his ear._

_"We can stop whenever you want," Gerald says._

_His cheeks are flushed a bright pink. His eyes are hooded but still alert – he's watching John for cues. It's his lips that John keeps staring at while he decides whether or not they should stop. They're red and swollen from kissing and slightly wet with saliva. Gerald's mouth is shaped differently than Sherlock's but Gerald's lips are just as full and now that they've been kissed, they have an erotic appeal that lodges a spike of desire low in John's belly._

_John surges forward and pulls Gerald into a kiss that takes both of them by surprise. Gerald tries to pull away to say something but John bites the corner of Gerald's upper lip and Gerald melts into the kiss as though John is the experienced one and he the blushing virgin. It gives John a sudden and much-needed boost to his confidence. He clutches Gerald's hip with one hand, his fingers slipping inside the waist of his trousers, drawing a moan out of Gerald's mouth that he doesn't manage to choke off, which only fuels John's hunger._

_"We should stop, John. Stop," Gerald gasps out when he manages to yank his mouth away from John's._

_"I don't want to stop," John says and tries to capture Gerald's mouth again but Gerald puts his fingers against John's lips._

_"How far do you want to go?" Gerald asks, his brow slightly furrowed._

_He doesn't say it coyly – it's not flirtatious. John knows Gerald is asking him where he draws the line._

_"I want to fuck you," John breathes and then waves his hand dismissively between them. "Or you can fuck me."_

_"I don't want you to have any regrets. It will just set you back."_

_"Set what back?"_

_"Your acceptance of being gay, John."_

_"I get it. I'm gay," John says, wanting to bite Gerald's lips again. His neck, too. He wants to see what Gerald looks like naked. He wants to see what Gerald's cock looks like. He wants to know what it feels like to have a cock in his mouth._

_"I want to have sex with you, John, I really do, but I want to help you more than I want to fuck you. It's my profession and it's in my nature to help. I don't think this is the way to help you."_

_"Fine, then," John says, frustrated. "How do you want to help me?"_

_"I want to take you upstairs and restrain you and whip you with the crop like we discussed the first time you were here. We can renegotiate your terms if needed."_

_"No sex?"_

_"That's up to you. You can stop me at any time. Do you remember your safeword?"_

_"Blue buttons," John says._

_Gerald beams, full of pride, like John has accomplished something amazing by remembering the words 'blue buttons.'_

_"John, I know exactly how to help you. Do you trust me?"_

_"Mostly," John says and Gerald laughs softly._

_"Do you remember what to do when we get upstairs?"_

_John nods and with that, Gerald stands up and holds out his hand. John stands up and takes his hand._

**Author's Note:**

> I always welcome emails from readers about anything that tickles your fancy, even if it's just randomness!
> 
> archiveofMYown@gmail.com  
> Teddy


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